I attended Desert Waters’ instructor course for CF2F in 2014.The following spring, we taught everyone in our division the materials we learned. It was a very positive experience with tons of very positive feedback. The follow up was easier said than done. I have committed myself to maintaining my mission of taking care of my team with the focus on their wellness.

During that process, I have had some rough times of my own, and my own mental health and outlook declined. I went through a divorce; I didn’t get chosen for promotion; I bumped heads with my supervisor severely; and I had a string of critical incidents in a very short period of time.

When things with my supervisor began causing me to have disturbing dreams, I sought therapy. This helped me quite a bit to reframe my way of thinking about things.

Shortly after “graduating from therapy,” I had an inmate “die on me. ” I was doing CPR when “it was called.” I didn’t have much of a reaction to that, but then I had three critical incidents within about six hours spread out over two shifts. I performed CPR on two of the inmates (both fentanyl overdoses), and I, along with the efforts of my team and medical staff, was able to save their lives. After the last one, I began crying uncontrollably. I had chest pain, difficulty breathing, and I was shaking uncontrollably. Thankfully, my Sheriff and Undersheriff were present, recognized this, and sent me home for the rest of my workweek.

The next week, I began working in my current assignment as the Training Sergeant. I thought everything was OK until I just happened to be walking through the jail when a medical emergency happened in a unit where I was talking with officers. I had to do CPR again. The entire time I was doing CPR, I was thinking how my body was going to react this time. Unfortunately, the inmate died.

Thankfully, I didn’t have the same physiological reactions. However, about a month later, I began having terrible dreams of the incident. I am now (again) in therapy. Having a wife (I remarried) who works in the same facility I do also helps. We are able to relate to each other, and talk about things when times are rough. We “talk each other down” when we get spun up about something. We support each other. For those whose significant other doesn’t work in the same field, it is important to educate them about the things you face on a day-to-day basis.

The point is, I recognized my issues and I am dealing with them. I have been very open with everyone I talk to about recognizing when you aren’t right and it’s OK to seek help. I am trying to knock down any of the stigmas related to seeking help. It isn’t a weakness. We are affected by cumulative trauma. I didn’t choose how my body reacted. Over my 23-year career, I had never been directly affected by critical incidents (that I knew of) until these incidents. My mind/body/soul had reached its limit, I guess.

I don’t have a problem sharing my story at all. I want people to know there is a struggle and we can get through it. You can have your “bubble bursting” phase and recover. I still struggle from time to time with dreams or feelings about myself, but I’m making it, and I am finally starting to feel like I am doing more than just surviving.

Having a Lieutenant who understands and is helpful is a great asset to me. It is a testament to how impactful leadership can be in a positive way rather than a negative way. Be that positive influence!

As the Training Sergeant, I teach Desert Waters’ new hire class to people just hired in our facility. I am also pushing to teach the full CF2F class to all our staff again, as only about half of the staff is remaining since we first taught it in 2015.

Thank you for doing what you do. It helps. It has helped me, and I am trying to do my part to help those who have come before me, those who have come after me, and those who will come in the future.