When you experience what to you is a verbal attack on your person, instead of verbally attacking that person back, consider the following alternative options, with your goal being the de-escalation of the situation. Such an approach will help protect your well-being and your resilience by preventing or lessening the inevitable wear-and-tear physically and emotionally that result from angry outbursts and a hostile stance. This is an example of using what are often called “soft skills”—but that are in reality skills of steel, because they can help us regain control of situations and prevail, while also preserving our health and perhaps our relationships. Step back mentally and try to assess if you were truly attacked, or if you are being overly sensitive and taking the other person’s behavior personally more than warranted.

  1. Step back mentally and try to assess if you were truly attacked, or if you are being overly sensitive and taking the other person’s behavior personally more than warranted.
  2. Display a calm and respectful attitude throughout your exchange.
  3. Listen carefully. Repeat back what you heard the other party say to make sure you heard them right and so they will know that you heard them right.
  4. Ask for clarification, for facts and specifics regarding what the other person objects to about your behavior or opinions.
  5. Clarify your position as needed.
  6. If you realize that you were in error, make amends through apologizing or through some other way of making things right to the degree that you are able.
  7. Agree with whatever part of the other person’s statement you can truly agree with.
  8. Acknowledge that the other person has the right to their opinion as much as you do.
  9. Acknowledge that others may in fact agree with the other person and disagree with you.
  10. Acknowledge that even though you hold a different opinion, there is a possibility that the other person may be right, and that perhaps only further developments will show the degree to which you may both be correct in some ways.
  11. Make conciliatory, non-combative, non-aggressive statements regarding the other person’s perspective, and avoid provocative statements, such as put downs or ridicule.
  12. If possible, ask for a later time to talk, so you can think things through more clearly, and so the other person can calm down also.
  13. Use light humor, but cautiously, and only when you’ve tested the waters and concluded it may be safe to do so. Be ready to abandon that approach if the person’s reaction indicates that they may be mistaking your attempt at levity as you mocking or ridiculing them.
  14. Negotiate as much as possible toward resolution by aiming to help the other person feel understood and validated while you also advocate for your perspective to the degree that it matters to you.
  15. Make non-threatening neutral and respectful statements if there seems to be no resolution at this point. “I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree on this one. I want you to know that I respect your right to your point of view.”

Adapted in part from Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder, by Kreger, R. & Mason, P. T