“Leave It At The Door”

One of the first things I learned in the academy was to “leave it at the door.” That was almost 19 years ago, and I never realized the damage five words could do.

When I began telling people that I was going into corrections, I heard a lot of negative comments. A few rubbed me the wrong because they basically assumed I couldn’t do the job. I used the negativity and just tried to do my best.

Once out of the academy, I became a master of leaving everything at the door. Whatever happened that day, good, bad or indifferent, I left it at the door. I had no clue the damage I was doing to my own mental health. I slowly was becoming a different person. I didn’t see it, and I never allowed anyone close enough to tell me otherwise.

I had a string of bad relationships that I would simply end when the other person got close enough to start noticing there was something wrong. It was easier to walk away and continue leaving everything at the door than dealing with what was going on with me. I didn’t realize I was slowly becoming numb to everything in my world. I was never an emotional person to begin with, but I had no idea how unemotional I was becoming. I had no idea that leaving everything at the door was slowly killing the person I was.

I had become a master at leaving everything at the door. I didn’t notice how different I had become, but it didn’t matter to me. I thought I was doing exactly what I supposed to do. It made a great CO, I did my job to the best of my ability. My outside life was suffering though; I was losing touch with lifelong friends. I was pushing away my family. The only place I felt truly comfortable was either at work or if I was out with my coworkers. They understood me. They knew exactly how I felt. I spent most of my time with them, and they made me feel comfortable.

About eight years into my career, I met Becky. At the time, I had no idea she would be the one would eventually force me to be the man I used to be. We had our ups and downs; I shut her out like I had done with every other relationship I had been in. Becky was different than everyone else though. She was the kindest person I had ever met. She tried her hardest to make me talk to her about everything. At this point it was already too late. I had learned how to pretend and lie my way through everything. I was completely numb inside but I pretended just enough to seem normal.

Becky is truly amazing. She saw something in me that I don’t think I even saw at that point. She never wanted to give up on me. At a certain point it became too much for even her. She finally reached her breaking point with me. Even then, she wanted the best for me. She still tried to pick me up. Even at our lowest point of our relationship, with nothing holding us together but one tiny string, she still tried to pick me up. Ultimately, she couldn’t save me at that point; I just wasn’t ready to be saved yet.

With things all but done, she was scheduled to have knee surgery. She needed a ride to and from the appointment, so I decided to give her a ride. That decision was the best decision I ever made. After dropping her off at the doctors, I went back to the car and decided to read a book everyone was talking about. It was The Nothing that Never Happened by William Young. I remember reading the book and having to put it down multiple times because it was freaking me out. It was like someone else knew exactly what I felt and was going through. I had never met or talked to William Young before. How did he know exactly how I felt? It was at that moment that I realized I was not alone. That other people out there felt like I did. It literally brought tears to my eyes because I knew at that moment that I could be better.

I immediately went online and found a therapist who specialized in first responders. I had tried multiple therapists before, but I never felt comfortable with any of them. I felt like they were always judging me. They didn’t understand where I worked. Finding the right therapist was a game changer for me. Once I found her, everything changed. She is a retired detective, and even though she wasn’t a corrections officer she understood everything I was feeling. One of the first things she ever told me was leaving everything at the door is the biggest mistake you ever made, and that was before I even told her I was told that in the academy. It’s like she knew me even before I walked through the door.

I still had a ton of work to do on myself before Becky decided to fully take me back. I met it all head on. I did everything I could do to make myself a better man. It took a lot of work, but it was all worth it. Becky and I are in a better place now than we ever were before.

I never leave anything at the door now. Regardless of how small it might be, I try and tell her something about my day. I have learned what I can and can’t tell her. If something is too much for her, I tell my therapist. I hate to think where I would be without her in my life. I am not sure I would even be here. I was in a really bad place, and the only reason I came out of it was because of her.