A Tale from the Ole Guard

Printed with permission.

I was 21 when I got into Corrections. I started with the Division of Juvenile Justice. I quickly learned to “fit in.” The prison was like nothing I had ever seen. I learned how to act from my senior staff. I quickly became the alpha male. I quickly immersed myself into the job. I joined the Tactical Team after only 6 months, and I received Officer of the Year my second year on the job. I was “getting it,” and I was really good at what I did.

After “mastering” the Juvenile field, my institution closed. I was transferred to an adult institution. This institution was known for violence. The night before I went to my new prison I cried, because in my mind I was going to die in prison. Thankfully I was wrong, and again I slowly became really good at what I was doing. I promoted to Correctional Sergeant, and quickly got a position on third watch on a Level IV 180 design yard, which was the most secure and most violent general population yard. I knew nothing about what I was doing; however, I had a Lieutenant that mentored me, and I became confident in my job.

If you notice, I told you that I was really good at my job, but I didn’t tell you that during that whole time my personal life was sinking into the abyss. I fell into the prison culture. Lying, cheating, drinking, and energy drinks. I slept a few hours a night and worked doubles. When I wasn’t working doubles, I was doing the bad things. They felt right at the time; they went together with prison life like peanut butter and jelly. After all, this worked for those before me, and it was going on with everyone around me. I thought I was a part of the norm. Little did I know this was not, or at least should not be, the norm.

Living on a collision course with reality, I allowed my crazy life to continue into my next promotion, and soon after my worlds came to a crashing halt. My soon-to-be wife met my current (soon to be ex-) wife at the time, who then met my baby momma. How did I let my life get so out of control that this sentence you just read makes sense? I never saw this coming.

Looking back on this time, I don’t have one single event that spiraled my life out of control. The cause was a combination of working hard and having no discipline in my life, seeing trauma daily but not having the ability to talk to anyone. I thought if I drank enough or partied enough, I would eventually succeed in my life. I learned this is the farthest from the truth. I learned quickly that I had to have discipline in my life. I struggled at work and at home for several years.

It was then that I went to CF2F¹ for the first time. I learned that I was struggling with Corrections Fatigue and did not know it. I had negative coping strategies, and I had no support system. Even the prison was lacking in its acceptance of Peer Support or EAP. I learned (and came to believe) that I wanted to get fulfillment out of my work and out of life.

When I finally got my life in order, I was shocked by what I saw about myself. I realized that the mess I had been personally had crept into my professional life without my knowledge. Yet, as I worked on my fulfillment, as I battled Corrections Fatigue, I learned that the better I was as a person, the healthier coping strategies I deployed, and the better my professional life got.

I never promoted again. That didn’t mean I was not qualified; in fact, I would tell my former warden right now that I was overly qualified. Instead, having my life under control, I was working on the things I wanted to work on. And what I wanted to work on was the development of my staff, and ensuring the hard work they did on a daily basis was noticed and appreciated. During this time, I also focused on my family. I immersed myself into “real life.” I coached my son’s baseball team, I volunteered at church. I wanted fulfillment, and I found that the more I was home and intentionally engaged, the happier and freer I was.

I’m writing this to tell you that the journey to fulfillment is not a perfect one. There are landmines, roadblocks and dead ends, but I found out that with self-discipline, fulfillment can be achieved.

¹CF2F is the acronym for Desert Waters’ award-winning course “From Corrections Fatigue to Fulfillment^™.” Since its first version was rolled out in 2002 (before Desert Waters Correctional Outreach had come into existence), staff have repeatedly said that the course can be career-saving, marriage-saving, even life-saving. We add that CF2F, properly implemented and reinforced, can be culture-saving. Email us at admin@desertwaters.com for more information.