Reproduced with permission.
Example 1: Out of Control
Work is getting out of control. We had an emergency yesterday. I guess what really burns me is that no matter how hard you try or how well you do, the management still says it’s not good enough.
During yesterday’s emergency I was responsible for controlling all of the doors allowing staff to respond. Enough staff responded within one minute that the emergency was cleared in just over a minute.
The Captain sent a Lieutenant to chew me out because he had to wait more than five seconds at a door. He was upset that other staff beat him to the emergency and he wasn’t the first responder to the incident. I told the Lieutenant that I don’t send responders to emergencies by rank. I send them by who can get there fastest. The Captain is one of these past Tactical Team leaders and a hoo flung doo expert who thinks he is Mr. Emergency. I asked the Lieutenant if supervisors had magical powers that the rest of us didn’t possess allowing them to resolve emergencies better than us.
I was so mad after the conversation that I had with this Lieutenant that I felt like I could have exploded. I drove home last night like a mad man. One time I looked down at my speedometer and saw that I was going over ninety-five miles per hour.
Once I got home I sat in my car and screamed like I was possessed and until my throat hurt. I walked in the house and decided I’d better sleep in the spare room. I was ready to take my anger out on anybody right then. I’m still mad about it now, but I at least have enough focus not to take it out on my family.
What really burns me about this whole situation is that other staff members told me what a great job I did, and I was really feeling good about how I reacted, and the fact that no one was hurt responding. It’s a relatively new post for me and it’s one of the most challenging in the institution.
Then toward the end of the shift the Lieutenant tells me what a crappy job I did. It’s like they do it on purpose just to burst your bubble. What I hate the most is that I become so angry that I feel possessed, like if someone approached me the wrong way I could just beat them and never stop. When I feel this way, it doesn’t matter who it is, I just want to let loose on something or someone.
Example 2: Band-Aids of Armor
Staff learns to apply a thin layer of “Machismo” as a result of each incident they experience. It’s like a Band-Aid. But this type of Band-Aid doesn’t protect the wound from infection or aid in the healing process. Instead it covers and seals in your emotions and your feelings; otherwise you’re weak, a punk, or a sissy. Because we all know, “Maximum security staff are the real gladiators, and we run these inmates.”
After a while and numerous incidents, you have so many Band-Aids on you that inmates can’t penetrate them and get to you or your “old” heart. The only problem is the Band-Aids don’t come off after work. They stay on. So you live your life and miss all the beauty and the real experiences because you are a heartless, emotionally numb, and desensitized a—.
You see an awful car accident with injuries, big deal. You have a friend that gets hurt really bad, big deal. Your family member dies in his fifties and you truly love the man, big deal. An inmate gets stabbed 47 times, big deal. You get mad because your kid wrecks his bike and cries because he skinned up his knees, big deal. Tell him to man-up and quit being a baby and walk away.
Then, if you are blessed, your friends and family or maybe a co-worker persuade you to go to a counselor and they begin the long process of removing your Band-Aids. Then slowly over time you realize, “S- – -. I hollered at my kid because he wrecked his bike and hurt his knees. He is only 10. I should have picked him up and carried him inside. Babied him a bit and taken care of him. Let him know I am here for him and can take care of him. But, that’s not the gladiator way! I have to be tough because I have several years in corrections and 500+ Band-Aids of armor to show what a tough guy I am. How frustrating! I can’t wait for the rewarding part, when I can look in the mirror and feel like a normal human being.
