Q: How do I support someone who refuses help but, in my opinion, clearly needs it?
A: The most difficult thing you will face as a peer support team member is standing face-to-face with someone who in your estimation clearly needs help—and knowing you can’t fix it. Worse yet, they don’t even want the help. It’s like watching a house burn while you’re holding a hose to a tanker full of water, and the homeowner is yelling, “Get off my lawn.”
That tension sits heavy. In corrections, we are problem-solvers by nature—and by necessity. Lives depend on it. So when you see someone struggling and you can’t step in, it goes against every instinct you have. And if you do this work long enough, you’ll learn this truth the hard way: sometimes the job is not to solve the problem.
The hardest part of peer support isn’t showing up—it’s walking away without closure. Humans crave resolution. We want the story to wrap up neatly, the person to accept help, the situation to improve. But peer support doesn’t always work that way.
So what can you do?
First, make it easy for them to come back. Stay accessible. Let them know—through your words and your demeanor—that when they’re ready, you’ll be there. And when that moment comes, meet it without a trace of “I told you so.” Instead, thank them for trusting you.
Second, normalize getting help. Keep it low-key. Share your own experiences if appropriate. When help feels routine—not like a big, dramatic step—it becomes easier for someone to take it.
Third, understand your limits. You cannot solve their problem, and you cannot accept help on their behalf. Know when it’s time to step back. Pushing too hard or stretching the interaction beyond its natural end can create boundary issues and shut the door for future trust.
Fourth, resist the urge to argue or “wake them up” to how bad things are. You don’t know the full picture of their life—and you likely never will. Sometimes people only share pieces. Sometimes they share nothing at all and suffer in silence. Meeting them with judgment or urgency can push them further away.
And sometimes, the most powerful thing you can do is sit in the ashes with them. Don’t hand them a broom. Don’t point out what needs fixing. Just be there—quietly, steadily. Presence without pressure can speak louder than any advice.
Finally, don’t carry this alone. Situations like this run directly against our moral wiring—the instinct to help, to step in, to fix. Find another trusted team member to talk it through with, while maintaining confidentiality. Processing your own frustration and concern is not a weakness; it’s necessary. This work is heavy.
Because the reality is, in corrections, it can feel like we’re in a daily battle for the wellbeing of our coworkers. And in many ways, we are. But the hardest battle isn’t out there—it’s staying committed to the principles of peer support.
We don’t force help. We don’t rescue.
We support people in asking for—and accepting—help on their terms.
And one more thing. Allow for the possibility that your coworker may not need help to the degree you believe they do. We can misread situations, especially when we’re viewing them through our own lens of concern or past experience. What looks like struggle to one person may be a coping style to another. Staying open to that possibility helps us avoid overstepping and keeps our support grounded in respect rather than assumption.
Desert Waters provides corrections-specific in-person and online Peer Supporter Training™ . Contact us for more information.
